ISS 16 (2006) DEC 20 - JAN 19
WHO: Jeff Johnson
WHERE: Media Club
WHEN: December 13, 2006
The second time I saw Jeff Johnson perform solo was a couple nights ago at the Media Club. It was cold out, Christmas time, right before the Great Windstorm that scoured the Lower Mainland clean of all of her beloved trees.
Yes indeed, it was Christmas time. Cheap imitation pine boughs were strewn sans souci under the candleholders on each table. Gaudy green garlands ran the length of the dark, wooden, mahogany-like booths.
Jeff Johnson, in a snazzy, shiny, dark-suede blazer, emerged from the green room and flashed the devil’s horns, as if he’d just been announced to come onstage with the Crüe. A sexy little thing, balanced precariously on her too-high heels, tried not to fall up to Jeff and gave him a big hug. After a brief conversation, he sat on the edge of the stage and tuned his guitar. If the cheap, glitter-coated snowflakes hanging from the ceiling were real, and therefore blessed with the knowledge of all that has been and all that will be, as real snowflakes are, and had breath, as real snowflakes do, they would have been holding it in anticipation of Jeff’s performance. Instead, they were simply hanging, suspended from the ceiling by invisible wire, turning and twinkling their sparkly spokes.
With his lonesome guitar, Jeff stepped onto the neglected stage, sat on the edge of the stool, guitar a-knee, and leaned into the mic. He introduced himself, and began to sing “Search for You”, available on his Myspace site, but with an important difference: filling in for his bandmates, bassist T.J. O’Malley and drummer Jesse Smith, was… nobody. It
is a driving, haunting hard-rock ballad, about yearning, about looking for someone who has long since stopped looking for you, and Jeff gave us an austere, gaunt version, stripped down to its essence. His strong, emotive voice, able to achieve mournful, soulful Scott Weiland-like howls as well as swaggering, alcoholic Scott-Stappian growls, gave flesh and skin to the skeletalized song.
Between songs, Jeff talked casually and clearly to the thickening crowd. “How come you guys aren’t at the Aerosmith/ Mötley Crüe show?” he asked. “Tommy Lee’s gonna come by after, play drums. He really suits that singer/songwriter vibe,” he joked. Like Tommy Lee and unlike most singer/songwriters, this former lead guitar/songwriter for Vancouver hard-rock outfit Ten Ways From Sunday, is confident leading a band in front of a huge a crowd. Unlike Tommy Lee, I would guess, he is just as comfortable on his own in front of a smaller crowd.
Jeff drew us in with songs that reject typical pop-rock structure and rely instead on stellar, shining guitarwork and powerful, penetrating lyrics that build to salvational, shout- along choruses. “To Live is To Love”, despite the sappy 80’s power-ballad title, boasts a triumphant, inspiring chorus, not unlike Collective Soul’s “The World I Know”. “Superstitious Mind”, a song about insecurity and self-doubt, begins with a catchy Dave Matthews-like guitar intro. “Just Feels Right” swoons with a tender Goo-Goo Dolls’ (minus the boo-hoo) bridge. “Everyone Wants To Believe”, which exemplifies Jeff’s inspirational songwriting, celebrates the soul’s secret yearnings.
“Can I get a beer up here? Is that possible? I wanna celebrate with you guys. You guys are awesome!” Jeff said.
By ten o’clock, the bar was bustling. “You can all sing along,” Jeff said, and launched into a long, elaborate guitar intro. I looked incredulously at Dan. “Is this Hotel California?” he asked. “No, I think it’s Floyd. No, no… Maybe ‘Stairway’?” I replied. We continued to look at each other, baffled. The solo ended and Jeff played the first chords of “Change”. The chorus, imploring us to “change now” resounded like a distress-call from a capsizing vessel. The music swelled and surged, like waves on the ocean. Jeff’ s foot pounded a hopeful heartbeat onto the small stage and his voice beamed like a searchlight into a desolate sea.
Jeff Johnson gives himself as he is, undisguised and uninhibited, by singing his heart out, with the anguish and the ecstasy of opening up so clear on his face. As a result, he carefully walks the line between affectation and sincerity, but in the end the overwhelming honesty of his lyrics is made believable by the candor of his singing and showmanship. He’s there to sing songs filled with words that people think but are afraid to say, about the things we want to believe in, but are afraid to admit to ourselves because we doubt our ability to achieve them. Jeff knows what he wants, and is well on his way to getting it.*
Liam Ford
Using Film to Calm the Familial Waters This Holiday Season
Once the presents have been opened and the Christmas dinner enjoyed, everyone settles in for some good ole family time together. Bloated with turkey and perhaps a bit tipsy with wine, this wonderful time may turn out to be not so wonderful. Sometimes, as the carving knives are put away, the personality knives come out. How do you get the kids settled from their post meal sugar rush? How do you get grandma to shut-up and stop criticizing your fiancé because he or she has a tattoo of her guru on her wrist? As the television has been acknowledged as one of the best babysitters around, this is a good time to extend its controlling powers to encompass all of your family. This week, we make some suggestions of films to watch that are sure to appease your crabby family.
The Grandparents What could be more appealing to your grandparents than watching that heart warming 1954 romantic comedy ‘White Christmas’? They’ll swoon with nostalgic glee as Bing Crosby croons ‘White Christmas’ (pictured) surrounded by co-stars Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen. In fact, you might get the whole family to hold hands and sing together in loving, Christmas spirit.
The Crabby Old Aunt She’s been bitching ever since she entered your home and handed you her 60 year old mink coat and black cashmere gloves. Now that the meal is over and she’s settled her considerable bulk into your favourite chair, fire up the new 42 inch plasma screen with the magic of Charles Dickens's classic ‘A Christmas Carol.’ Make sure it’s the 1951 edition
starring Alastair Sim. It’s the story of a bitter old miser who finds redemption after visits by the ghosts of Christmas on Christmas eve. If the sheer joy and delight expressed by Scrooge when he awakens Christmas morning does not warm your old aunt’s heart, it might be time to scour Craigslist for someone willing to swap her heart for a new iPod.
The Boring Cousin From Back East There’s probably nothing you can do to satisfy your high functioning, caffeine fueled stock broker cousin from Toronto who has blessed your house with his presence this holiday season. Send him down to the basement where you’ve moved your old television and get him to watch the newly released action film ‘Miami Vice.’ Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx star in this remake of the cool television show that introduced Don Johnson to the world. It’s got action, intrigue, drug dealing, gun play, exotic locales, beautiful people; gosh, everything to occupy his adrenaline rushed mind. And at 134 minutes, you’ll have an extended break from his raving meanderings.
The Whiny 10 year old sister She’s on the cusp of not believing in Santa so what could be better than a story about a real Santa? It’s the 1947 film ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ and it’ssure to turn her doubting mind towards, well, more doubt. Edmund Green plays Kris Kringle, a kindly old man who works for Macy’s in New York as the store Santa. Problem is, he really believes he is Santa. It might be okay to act like Santa, just don’t believe you’re actually him. Poor Kris ends up in the loony bin and an enterprising lawyer decides to take on the case and prove that he is, indeed Santa. Look for the young Natalie Wood as the girl who befriends this kindly old gentleman. After watching this film, your sister will be counting the days until the arrival of Christmas, 2007.
The Too Cute Five Year Old She’s so cute that you could eat her up. Too bad you’ve already had dessert and now she’s annoyingly pestering you into playing with the plethora of toys strewn across the living room floor. It’s time to sit her down and watch the 2004 animated film, ‘Polar Express.’ It’s a story about a young boy who is awakened by the sound of a steam train that pulls up in front of his house in the middle of the night. The conductor, voiced by Tom Hanks, urges him to get on board for a ride to the North Pole with a dozen other kids. It’s a magical ride full of fun and thrills and a fantastical visit from Santa. She’ll eat it up.
All the very best to all of our readers of Kira’s Eye.
Check out Allan’s movie review website: Reel Write Reviews. Over 400 reviews to help you choose the rental that’s right for you. www.reelwrite.com
Holiday Style
If the never ending Christmas music playing in Starbucks is any indication, we have officially entered the holiday season which brings about a slew of parties and get-togethers that all beg the question- What to wear?!
I am here to provide some holiday fashion tips that will make you stand out for all the right reasons as oppose to standing out for your drunken rendition of Madonna’s ‘Holiday” at the company Christmas party.
1. Easy on the glitz.
You can dazzle without loading up on glitter and embellishments. Keep jewelry tasteful and minimal highlighting your best features and your chosen outfit (i.e. a necklace with an low cut blouse or earrings with an updo.) If you insist on wearing bedazzled or sequined
clothing limit it to one item in an outfit
2. Novelty items? Save them for Christmas morning.
Santa socks, reindeer knitted sweaters and mistletoe earrings…I understand this is the only time of year you can wear these items but it hardly makes the most sophisticated style statement. Wear them in your home and over to grandma’s house but do not even think about donning any of these items to a holiday cocktail party. While you may think your hat donning mistletoe is guaranteed to get the party started and get you to first base I can promise you that your host will not be impressed.
3. Colour Choices
Almost all holidays invoke a complementary colour scheme (red and green) but these colours paired together, though striking are dizzying to the observer and divides an outfit into blocks, obscuring the figure. To appear
slimmer while devouring your seventh sugar cookie keep to the same colour family, wearing different shades or tints of the same colour. Jewel tones are a great bet for the holiday season. They appear expensive, luxurious, and festive as well as look great on all skin tones. As per always, you can never go wrong with black during the winter for all occasions.
4. Cleavage, midriffs and thigh? Oh my!
Body baring styles are best left to Britney and Paris. Not only is showing too much skin grossly inappropriate for dressy holiday functions but also just damn cold. It's winter for Christmas sake!
5. Have fun!
The holidays are supposed to be fun and relaxing so don’t stress! When it comes right down to it you won’t remember which pumps your wore to a cocktail party or that you stained your blouse at a New Years just make sure you are comfortable in your fashion choices.*
Jaime Shulman
The Frost Haired Vixen by John Zakour
In the future, when all information about anyone is readily available via the internet, there is one private eye left ; Zach Johnson. Zach Johnson is a mans man, a hard boiled private detective straight out of a Raymond Chandler novel with a seedy office and luscious young things coming to him for help. In this book Zach tackles his weirdest case yet when Santana Clausa, a mini skirt wearing cloned mutant who was created by a coalition of nations to run the North Pole and give out gifts to everyone in the world every Holiday, hires him on to investigate a murder. Two of her genetically
engineered elves have been murdered, and if the media or public gets wind of it the world will go into a panic thinking that Holiday won't be celebrated this year. Zach goes undercover to visit the North Pole, i.e. 'happiest place on Earth', and must match wits against superhuman females, techno-nerds, mutant elves, and killer robots.
Now, let's get things straight here. The Frost Haired Vixen is never going to give James Joyce a run for his money. But it's a hell of a lot more fun then, say, James Patterson. Or at least I think so. Maybe it's not great literature. Maybe it doesn't have a great deal of metaphor or deeper meaning or redeeming value. But what it does have is this :
1) Lasers
2) Killer Robots
3) Nympho elves
4) The word 'Vixen' in the title
5) Sexy chicks
6) Sexy chicks with huge boobs
7) Sexy chicks with huge boobs and little clothing
8) Oh yeah, it has some mild social satire in there in-between the killer robots and the sexy big busted chicks.
9) Did you see the part about the killer robots? They have lasers!
The Frost Haired Vixen is a fun, futuristic read, and it's pretty damn funny to boot. John Zakour won me over just by passing a law in his book that Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanzaa no longer exist and that everyone must celebrate Holiday. And for all the dissenters he made up a sexy saucy female Santa who stalks people all year long just to help her decide what the one best Holiday gift she can give them is. (I mean seriously, if we're all running scared and giving up our rights for the 'War on Terror, why wouldn't people do it in the future for one damn Holiday gift from a cloned mutant who puts Pam Anderson to shame?) Mostly it was a fresh look at two genres that have been done nearly to death- the private eye mystery and the futuristic sci-fi novel. Toss in the fact that it's Christmas . . . . er, Holiday themed and not sentimental and sappy and you have awinner.*
Renee Mallett
Shadows on the Wall starts out with a great setting…and flops at the end.***WARNING: REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***
Shadows on the Wall is an 8 chapter, 174-page book written by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, author of Shiloh (1992 Newberry Award Winner). Shadows on the Wall is the first book of the York Trilogy.
The story starts out strong; the setting is nice. Dan and his family are in the town of York, England, during a vacation. Slowly he feels a pang of fear every time he passes a certain tower. He suspects something is up with the whole family, as almost every topic is taboo, except for the ones comfortably talked with a 5-year old. He discovers that a horrible disease runs through the whole family, and Dan along with his father has a 50% chance of contracting the disease, called Hutchinson’s Disease. If that wasn’t enough, he suddenly encounters the lingering spirits of Roman soldiers, apparently of the mysterious “Ninth Legion”. He encounters some friends along the way, and gets to learn some gypsy traditions. The book ends with a confusing ending, without going over it a few times, and I didn’t get a slimmer of meaning from it. More on that in the “Flaws” section.
Main Characters:
Dan – This boy is the main focus of the book. Is in York for a family vacation.
Joe – A friend of Dan; introduces Dan to the gypsies.
Ambrose – A friend of Joe. He has 4 children. Is Romany (Gypsy).
Nat – One of Ambrose’s sons, apparently able to read palms to tell the future.
Orlenda – One of Ambrose’s daughters. She seems to have a liking to Dan.
Jasper – One of Ambrose’s sons. He is mute, but strange things always happen to him.
Rose – One of Ambrose’s daughters.
Brian Roberts – He’s the father of Dan, and he has a 50% chance of getting Hutchinson’s Disease. Ultimately contains the chance of Dan having the disease or not.
Strengths:
Naylor begins this book with a good prologue, with very good use of adjectives to describe the setting. There was an illustrated map to go with it, so I could visualize it even more clearly. The personalities of most characters in this book were well set and described. This book definitely has a sense of suspense in it, as when it was time to do something else in class, I reluctantly put it down. The section was getting pretty good, but that would flop when the confusing ending came. The time when a roman soldier that was later revealed as Joe attacked Dan, I was literally “on the edge of my seat”.
Flops:
While this book was composed by a coveted author, this book is certainly a flop. This was so un-notable, that it took me 2 minutes of intense Googling (the art of using Google to look things up) to find it, and even then, it didn’t have a picture of the book. Naylor’s web page didn’t have the book listed. Shadows on the Wall’s story, when summarized, reveals that it is a boring book. While the location, building, and objects of York were well described, there were barely any facial adjectives for the book. I couldn’t imagine any of the character’s bodies except for the boy in the title page, where it is assumedly the main character, Dan, though one cannot be sure. There is barely a battle in the book, despite its topic on Roman soldiers that become ghosts. There is one, but that was a scrabble between Joe and Dan. This book doesn’t tie up its loose ends. In other words, there are several things that aren’t explained. For instance, it doesn’t explain why a young man named Jasper can transform himself into another being. It doesn’t explain why that certain roman silver coin was so valuable to Ambrose, that he personally went into the hotel Dan used to be staying in to retrieve it. This is the ending. And that’s it.
Story -- *****/10 (It’s fine, kept me reading it.)
Setting -- ********/10 (Kudos for great adjectives.)
Characters -- ******/10 (Great personality words.)
Descriptions -- ******/10 (Lost points to no character descriptions.)
Suspense Factor -- ***/10 (Could use some more excitement.)
Mystery Factor -- */10 (Classified as a mystery novel, though this doesn’t feel like it.)
Ending -- ****/10 (Confusing and muddling.)
Overall -- **** /10 (Overall, just a book that a person reads on a boring Monday night.) *
Justin Chau
You could plan to lose a dress size (again) ...or plan to go somewhere you've never been!
New Year's Eve : So, here we are again.
It’s that time of year again. The time to think about losing 10 lbs, 10 friends, 10 dollars on cheap wine…. Yes, we are fast approaching – The New Year.
I still remember where I was 7 years ago, in 1999, when the world was contemplating some kind of global disaster sent to destroy us all – somehow meant to fulfill some fictional biblical prophesy. I was in Winnipeg. And that was close enough to Hell for me. I remember thinking, if some other worldly being is going to descend from the sky at midnight, or set off every nuclear weapon on earth – PRECISELY at midnight – which time zone will it be working from? The boyfriend I was with at the time thought this was funny, but his parents (who had never applied for a passport) didn’t really get the joke.
I think that this “millennium-fear” was really an analogy for the unknown, of the world ending in a flash… of all the things that one promises to accomplish but never really gets around to for yet another year.
That being said, in the spirit of realistic goals for a promising new year, I have compiled the following list of “must do” items.
1. Get your life in order. Clean out a closet, a garage, a kitchen cupboard – Jesus, at least clean your bathtub if that’s all you can get your lazy ass off the holiday sofa for. Getting rid of grime and useless junk can give you a feeling of fresh starts and new beginnings. Anything to inspire you to jump into the new year with a bit of enthusiasm, or at
the very least, without ring around the tub.
2. Ditch any boyfriend that is not really a boyfriend, but really just a big old energy leach. Your head and your wallet will thank you.
3. Count your grey hairs WITHOUT pulling them out. Start to see them as a sign of accomplishment and success. Resist the urge to cry.
4. Plan a trip. Go somewhere new and if no one else can fit it into their schedule, go alone. Who knows, Mr Loser Boyfriend might very easily be replaced by Mr Intriguing Foreign Accent Man.
5. Start Volunteering. Consider it a big fat year long Christmas gift to yourself and a whole bunch of other people that will really appreciate your help.
6. Get a bikini wax. And while you’re there, why not go straight to Brazil!? Stop at a bar for a glass of wine, then pop some advil and for the love of all that is holy - do NOT exercise afterwards – take this advice from a seasoned expert.
7. Set some goals that don’t involve weight loss or saving more money. Try a bit of creativity – maybe pick a new language or take up fencing, but FOLLOW THROUGH.
8. Stop competing with the guy in the corner office or the woman with a 5 inch waist and start kicking your own ass for once. What have you done in the last year that you can beat for next year? Stop focusing on other people and start competing with the only person who reeeeeeally matters. Yourself.
9. Get a grip. Don’t think that the holidays are the enemy or the start or end of anything. Think back to last February. Did anything you felt in December still matter? Any loneliness or sense of not doing enough in the previous year was out the window and you were already on to planning a Spring Break vacation. This will happen again. I promise. *
Jody Winder
Who Says You Can’t Wear Checks With Argyle?
Only an artist could put these two together and make them sing. I lay witness to this upon espying the great Vancouver artist, Attila Richard Lukacs, perched atop a barstool at the Fourth Avenue bistro, Pastis.
I was there at the invite of artist Shannon Belkin, who had arranged a pre-Christmas get-together with Attila for dinner and a little conversation on the art scene mixed with some spicy talk of those at the helm of Vancouver’s galleries.
From the moment I lay eyes on the gentleman at the bar, any preconceived notions of intimidation for this enfant terrible of the International Art World were acquiesced.
I could see…”he was a man of distinction” - as the Cy Coleman song goes – “a real big spender, good looking, so refined”. This vision was in direct contrast to my previous look at Lukacs as he mashed around the bowels of the former BC Hydro building installing his works for 2003’s “The Basement Show”, that reunited five of Vancouver’s preeminent artists known collectively as, “The Young Romantics.” He was there that morning in full on butch fatigue-wear followed by the camera of documentary filmmaker David Vaisbord, whose “Drawing Out The Demons” – an in-depth look at Lukac’s mercurial talent with a focus on his bizarre departure from his New York studio-cum-den of inequity – would soon make the rounds of the Film Festival Circuit.
The Atlantic Film Festival has said of the film, “Drawing Out The Demons may be the most honest and substantial documentary ever made about a world-class artist.”
Attila addressed the documentary during our evenings many subject matters with equal parts self-deprecation and heart-felt honesty. Hey, we all have demons in our closets! Most of us don’t have the eyes of the world - in this case the art world – laying in wait to lap up our indiscretions. The gentleman sitting beside us has clearly met his demons head on and was able to not only laugh at himself, but also take full responsibility for diving so deeply into excess.
His excesses now appear to be concentrated on canvas. Always displaying social commentary, his most recent paintings offer a pointed look at the current war in Iraq. I had recently viewed some of these works at the Antisocial Gallery at 2425 Main Street. Also a skateboard shop, this cutting edge store lends a hint to where this cutting edge artist’s heart lies. By all indication, in youth, and it’s unconditional love for all things unconventional. He tellingly spoke to this by saying that “I take more pleasure from someone young admiring my work than any comment that a worldly patron of the arts could ever offer.”
A look at Lukac’s recent work titled, “Boards”, offer up skateboards that are truly amazing works of art. They also show an artist whose talents know no boundaries. This is an artist whose application to a wide variety of mediums can delight a wide variety of audiences.
He certainly was a delight to behold, and, in his Christmas red Argyle vest over red and white check dress shirt, proved definitely that, when it comes to taste, this master of the canvas et als, is a master of style il n’a pas son.*
Devorah Macdonald
Sexy Christmas gifts that you’d never think of
Well it’s that time of year again, the time to figure out how to outdo your gifts from last year’s Christmas. If you're like me (and you're probably not) you like to really dig down and give unique, memorable and thoughtful gifts. This year being the sex kitten that I am, I have come up with a list of sexy gifts for you to give to your partner. These are all tried and tested methods of ensuring he will never forget the gifts you give him.
1. Jewelry A common and well received gift. But this year, put a spin on it. Get him something (semi) permanent like a piercing. Some good ones are navels, nipples and for the go all out folk, the regal Prince Albert. Both my partner and I have genital piercings and I highly recommend them! If you are bold enough to go for the crotch piercing, make sure not to ask too many questions because you will surely back out once you hear of the sheer pain, blood filled pee's and of course the dreaded morning wood! The pay off is worth it, I swear, but if your man doesn’t like the idea of his Rudolf the red nosed reindeer (or as I like to call it Randy the one eyed yogurt shooter) getting a 14 gauge hoop rammed through it, a lobe piercing can be sensual as well.
2. A Tie So he won't go for the piercing, eh? How about a tie to tie him up with? You get to be the slutty little elf, pleasuring him in all sorts of dirty ways. I recommend a bolo tie (the ones cowboys wear). They can be used anywhere, are stronger and of course who doesn't love the little charm! Not dating a tie man? Then what about a bow? Perhaps you, naked with a big red bow would make a saucy gift. What man doesn't enjoy unwrapping a present to find something warm, wet, and sexy inside for him to play with? You’ll be sure to have him fa la la la -ing if you decorate your 'walls' with boughs of jolly!
3. Sugar cookiesYour sugar, and your cookies instead. You don't have to be a Betty Crocker this year, more like a busty Betty Boop. I'm told my nips look like Girl Guide cookies when I wear a tight shirt sans bra (I believe the areola unhardened will give the best effect). You can entice him just the same. Show up in a skimpy tee ready to let him feast on your cookies. To optimize this affect, I recommend a little tweak to make the little center nub perk up. Trust me, this will be better than any other sugar cookie he's ever had!
4. Toys Yep, you guessed it! Bennoit balls, butt plugs and vibrators: get ‘em all. Now, if you've never used toys with your man, or he really doesn't like fruit cake (ha ha) I suggest you get him a bottle of scotch too; he'll need to loosen up...literally. In order for you to get that butt plug in there, nice and easy, you're gonna need lots of lube, lots of patience and yes, lots of booze!! Toys are a great way to explore all your parts, and learn some new ones too. Believe me, Santa’s little helper will be rearing to go when he sees all the toys for him to play with!
5. Deck the halls? No! Suck his balls!!I suggest writing him a sexy little Christmas card telling him his gift will be you suckling the presents under his tree. Along with the card, you should give him a razor to shave those furry ornaments –cough, cough, hairball...and say goodbye to his merry member! Remind him you’ll be gentle and will make sure to help him spill his nog.
6. Frosty the snowman? More like Feisty the showman!Take him out to the woods, thumpity thump thump and let your man just go! Dress him warmly though (outdoor sex is fab, but nobody likes frosted snowballs). Get him to bend you over his yule log and really give you a sleigh ride!
All of these gifts will make your man pop like those little firecrackers with the prize inside (only his prize is gooier, ha ha). Being adventurous is what Christmas should be about. Take a few chances and try something new. Just remember, he'll love that the gift is in the giving and getting, and giving again!*
Lisa Powell
Art by Jason Willmann (c) 2006
Christmas Specials : the best of the best
It’s cold, there’s black ice on the roads and it’s a fairly typical sight to see your average Vancouverite scraping ice off their windshield first thing in the morning (or at any point in the day if you’re an SFU student). It must be December in BC. Where so much of Canada is blanketed regularly in the white stuff that litters the skies, we only get a smattering here and there - just enough to cause some power outs, chaos on the roads, and to piss off the already-irate last-minute shopping public (God help the poor souls standing in line for a Wii right now). None of this sounds very idyllic – certainly not like the stereotypical peace, love, goodwill and happiness in the snow types of Christmases that we are weaned on from childhood. It’s easy to see where seasonal depression comes from when you look at things like this. So what’s the best option to escape the rain, cold, ice and violence at the shopping centers? Simple – Christmas specials.
They litter our TV’s for that one hideous month where there’s nothing new on. Most range back to the 70’s, 60’s and beyond (the good ones anyway) and they all approach the same subject matter again and again – finding and sharing peace, love and happiness in yourself and your fellow humans. They might be cheesy from time to time, perhaps even a little saccharine, but they are a part of our culture. No matter what your feelings on the season, it’s hard not to look at the early years of stop-motion animation with a glowing red nose and not get all warm and nostalgic inside.
Everyone has their favourites and will defend said choices to the death. But in an effort to share my own verbal goodwill to the masses, here is my personal list of the top ten Christmas specials that no one should ever go a year without seeing (and yes most of them are cartoons – so sue me!).
10. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)The animated poster child for seasonal depression disorders, Charlie Brown has been a staple amongst the Christmas season for more than 40 years now, and the Snoopy dance still doesn’t get old. It’s a pitch-perfect tale about searching for the meaning of Christmas and coming to terms with it for yourself. Plus, you can never go wrong with George Winston’s Linus and Lucy theme.
9. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (1970)Narrated by Fred Astaire and starring Mickey Rooney as Santa Claus, this stop-motion TV special from 1970 tells a creative origin story of Santa Claus, covering everything from his need to give toys to kids, to why he went down chimneys, from stocking stuffing to how he met and fell for Mrs. Claus. It’s a classic through and through. That Burgermeister – what a bastard!
8. Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)Bringing Scrooge McDuck to the forefront, this is Disney’s own retelling of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Starring the entire cast of Disney characters, this special was not only the first original Mickey Mouse cartoon in 30 years when it came out, but also has a very special feel to it, one that instantly feels warm and familiar (with every mouse Mickey taking on the role of Bob Cratchit). Two things that stand out – the perfect casting of the Ghost of Christmas Present (with smischsmashios!) and Pete as the grim reaper Ghost of Christmas Future.
7. Yogi’s First Christmas (1980)With not a pic-a-nic basket to be found, Yogi is awakened from hibernation in the middle of the Christmas season
and, much to the dismay of Ranger Smith, decides to partake in his first celebration of the season. Cheesy animation is forgotten the second you hear any Hanna Barbara character speak, their sense of humour always spot- on perfect. Thank God for the Jellystone Lodge.
6. Scrooged (1988)The world would be a dull place without Bill Murray in it. While he’s been hit and miss with some of his comic efforts, the 1988 retelling of Dickens’ tale through the eyes of a corporate jackass who has lost any concept of what the Christmas spirit is all about is a riot all the way through. Murray gives it the perfect mix of sardonic cynicism mixed with wide-eyed wonder. And then there’s Karen Allen – she makes any movie better (proof positive – Raiders of the Lost Ark).
5. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)To be clear, this is the 1947 model, with Edmund Gwenn in place of Richard Attenborough. One of the quintessential Christmas stories of the first half of the twentieth century (and far more tolerable than It’s A Wonderful Life). No matter your age, when you watch the post office dump all of those letters in the middle of the courtroom declaring Kris to be Santa Claus, it always gives you a stupid grin from ear to ear, just as it should.
4. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)Yet another rendition of the Dickens tale, but this one told with the most glorious of creatures, muppets. And Michael Caine. But mostly muppets. While stretched to fill two hours with some odd and not always great songs, The Muppet Christmas Carol is an absolute delight from start to finish. Narrated by Gonzo the Great and Rizzo the Rat, the story is never dull, and thoroughly entertaining (especially the Marleys and Animal at Fozziwigs Christmas party – short but oh so sweet). Proof that everything is better with muppets.
3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (pictured above) (1964)With Burl Ives singing Silver and Gold and a Holly Jolly Christmas, Rudolph is and will always be one of the greatest Christmas stories ever told. With an unforgettable cast of misfits (and misfit toys), plus gorgeous character designs and animation that was ahead of it’s time, Rudolph still affects generations today and I have never met a child who didn’t grow up watching this special.
2. A Muppet Family Christmas (1987)Starring the entire cast from the Muppet Show, Muppet Babies, Fraggle Rock, and Sesame Street, A Muppet Family Christmas is not only one of the most delightfully absurd Christmas specials ever made, but also the most sought after (release it on DVD dammit!). There is nothing about this special that is not classic, but special props go to the Swedish Chef chasing down the Turkey for the night, only to bust a nut when he sees Big Bird in front of him – the holy grail of edible fowl. Priceless.
1. Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)Celebrating it’s 40th year on the air, this is the pinnacle of Christmas specials, and without a doubt the one that no family should ever be without. Don’t try to watch the Ron Howard/Jim Carry adaptation from 2000 – it’s an embarrassment by comparison. This is the greatest Christmas story ever told as only Dr. Seuss could tell it from the delightfully twisted mind of his. The film has the most quotable dialogue and songs from any special and I don’t think there is a child alive who celebrates Christmas and hasn’t sung along at some point with You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch. Best. Lyrics. Ever.
That’s it for now. Special consideration was also given to National Lampoons’ Christmas Vacation, Twas the Night Before Christmas (the one with the mice in the clock tower), A Christmas Story (Ralphie and the Red Baron BB Gun),
Elf, the original Frosty the Snowman, and yes, It’s A Wonderful Life.
E-mail me your own personal list of top ten Christmas specials at agawilmot@hotmail.com. Have a Merry Christmas one and all!*
Andrew Wilmot
Title: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Platform: Gamecube/Wii
Price: $59.99
Graphics: 5/5
Sound: 5/5
Control: 5/5
Overall: 5/5
Fuck yes. Buy. NOW.
OVEN BAKED COOKIE
MILLA JOVOVICH
She has always been beautiful hence her modelling career starting at the age of 12.She speaks 5 languages, acts, sings, models and obviously she's gorgeous. I always thought she was a doll but it wasn't until I saw her critically UNacclaimed performance as Joan of Arc in The Messenger (1999) that I really thought she was the shit.
Check her out in 2007's Resident Evil : Extinction *
